I’ve been a little under the weather this week and out of the office. It’s nice to just laze around watching Netflix, drinking lots of hot tea. There is much value in slowing down, although I don’t recommend getting sick in order to do so. When I do get some down time, I often realize how fast life is going and that I’m spinning out of control. Do you ever have those moments? It’s at that time when I try to slow down and bring in things that are comforting. This morning, I tuned into the NPR All Songs Considered Podcast. Wow, so soul-inspiring and just what I needed. The song list included: 1) John Denver: “Poems, Prayers and Promises,” 2) Tom Adams: “In Darkness,” 3) Sharon Van Etten: “Come Back Kid,” 4: SOAK: “Everybody Loves You,” 5: Miya Folick: “THingaming,” 6) Jason Lytle: “Color of Dirt,” 7) J.S. Ondara: “American Dream.” I loved all of the songs, but the song that struck me most was John Denver’s.
“Poems, Prayers and Promises” resonated with me deeply. Perhaps it has to do with getting older, but lately I’ve been giving much thought to the days of old, reflecting on motherhood, going to graduate school and even further back to high school and college. Reminiscing about what felt like easier times. When my daughter was growing up, I taught piano, primarily to young kids and a few adults, so I could be home with her. I often felt pressure to get a full-time job to supplement our household income, but I’m glad I didn’t. Life seemed slower, as being a mom was my primary role. My most favorite role ever. My daughter is now in college; I’m working full-time, working towards obtaining clinical licensure. The chapters related to raising a family have closed. New ones have opened, and honestly, I’m not particularly enjoying the new ones. On most days, it feels like a grind.
I guess it’s taken me this long to realize that graduate school was very idealistic, and I’m not sure it was worth all of the student loans. At times, actually often, I feel pretty disillusioned and tired. More importantly, I realize that all of the misplaced ambitions were to gain a sense of self worth, a sense of significance. After a lifetime of feeling invisible, one desires nothing more than to be seen and heard. To make a statement. To lead in some way. Adoptee stuff.
What I’m learning is that life is so much more valuable than achieving. It’s about enjoying and letting go of the stuff that brings you down. I’m still very much working on that. It doesn’t come easy. I wish that I could impress this upon my daughter, who is starting her life as a grown up. Our children learn the good and the bad from us, and I have certainly not always modeled how to manage stress and anxiety in healthy ways. She is doing so well, however, despite many challenges in her beautiful young life. I love her so. She has made all the difference.
Mothering has taught me a lot about life and love and ease. I guess that’s why I miss it so much, not that I don’t continue to mother, it’s just different now. It’s more about letting her take the wheel, trusting that even should she veer into the wrong lane, she will get back into the right lane, wiser. This is what I know: Hold the people and things you love the most close to your heart everyday. I would love to go back to Taiwan to see my birth family again. Alas, there are always obstacles. I hold them close to my heart, despite the distance.
There is something to be said and learned from achieving and making a difference. But life is short, and you cannot go back. Do what makes you happy, and don’t let naysayers dissuade you. Surround yourself with others who support you and your dreams because God knows, life is not easy. I wish that someone had told me these things when I was an impressionable young woman. I’ve worked hard since grad school. I truly hope that it has not all been in vain, as things that are most valuable do not come by way of a diploma or a degree or clinical hours. Life is precious. Your life is precious. Every single minute of it.