one step closer

I recently attended the 9th Biennial Adoption Initiative Conference in New Jersey at Montclair State University. I had the opportunity to present a paper on international and transracial adoptees and how adoptees manage racism/racial discrimination . The presentation was based upon a qualitative study I conducted while completing my master’s degree at ASU. The whole conference was one of those experiences that left me with plenty to think about and process. It was almost overwhelming, as there were many sessions on evocative topics. I wanted to attend them all, but only one selection could be made out of several per the conference schedule. It’s encouraging to see how many bright researchers there are conducting research related to international/transracial adoption, many of the researchers adoptees themselves. I regret that I did not meet and connect more deeply with people, as I, unfortunately, was not feeling very well during the 3-day conference and was not my usual self. Nevertheless, I had the pleasure of connecting with some attendees who made my experience at the conference that much more meaningful.

NYC

NYC after conference. Patrick (L) is founder of The Brazilian Baby Affair in Zurich, Switzerland  & adoptee. Michele (R) is an adoption attorney in LA.

The week following the conference, my husband and I traveled to California to begin house hunting. We will be moving to California in the coming months predicated upon the sale of our current home in Arizona. Oh the joys of moving – we’ve moved so many times over the years that I’ve lost count. Friends offer their excitement about the prospect of us moving back to beautiful California; however, I feel that the task of moving is largely clouded by my own lack of energy and motivation, not to mention the stress of organizing such a move. We will obviously downsize, but have to find a home that will accommodate my baby grand piano. I’ve entertained the thought of selling it, as has my husband, but I’ve had the piano since I was 8-years old and for sentimental reasons, don’t want to part ways. The piano was given to me by my adoptive parents, and I grew up practicing on those ivory keys for many an hour. It’s really not important to anyone else but me, but important enough to hang on to. We will travel to California again next week to continue our ventures in house hunting.

Since arriving back home from the conference, I’ve thought a lot again about legally changing my name – my middle name that is. My adoptive parents gave me the middle name “Chaling.” There is no such name in Chinese. My birth name is Hsiao-ling Huang. I don’t know why my parents changed my middle name the way that they did – perhaps to Westernize my birth name, yet keep some token of my birth country? In any case, there is an exorbitant fee attached to a legal name change even in the state of California. If I could change my first name back to Hsiao-ling, I certainly would, but at this point in my life, it seems a little late. Names are important. I never thought so until I realized the significance of being renamed by my adoptive parents. Many adoptees’ names are changed by their adoptive parents, or adoptees are given a generic name by orphanage staff because there is insufficient information regarding the birthfamily. It only makes identity that much more convoluted by all of the unknowns. In the midst of all that’s going on in the world right now, this seems very insignificant. Maybe it’s just in the timing and I need to wait a little longer.

At this juncture, there are many big things going on at once. It feels unsettling, like a storm is brewing. We’re moving. I have to find a new job, and hopefully one where I can put my strengths to good use for a much longer period of time than my last 2 positions. I don’t know where that will be or what even interests me at this time. Our daughter is going to college in the fall. I guess a name change would go right along with all of the other changes that are taking place. The next time I see you, perhaps I’ll ask you to call me Hsiao-ling instead of Marijane…

 

6 thoughts on “one step closer

  1. Michelle

    I can’t wait until my daughter is old enough to follow your blog. She will learn so much from you. So much that I cannot teach. She is 8 and a half and started the work of processing her adoption at 3. 3 years old! She has come so far but has so much work still to do. She already knows we will have no problem with her changing her name if she so chooses at 18. She is growing into an amazing person already and if that will help her claim her identity or just make her happy we are fine with it.
    Oh, and as to moving, we are doing so right now as well. I swear the older I get the harder it gets. We are staying in the same state/city but I swear I am never moving again, It’s just too hard!!!!
    Thank you for all your hard work and the value you add too many lives.

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  2. Carole Ann Kaplan

    Your words carry me to a place I recall. I chose to change my last name to a totally new one chosen because I felt I would better fit into my religion. The new names serves me well. I will always call you “dear friend” no matter what your name says legally. xo

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