I love the morning. Everything is fresh and new. The house is quiet, the mornings are still cool enough here to open the doors and windows and let the breeze in. It’s temporary, but so nice to be able to take a break from the chaos. I’m trying to take advantage of this momentary state of focus and energy. I skipped out on yoga this morning to start up again on the final draft of my research project. But, here I am writing a post on my blog instead. Procrastination is so alluring. It is nice to have the week off to recharge, and yet I feel the weight of so many things that must get done between now and the end of June. Just when I thought there was a little reprieve, I’m swept up again by obligations. The finish line keeps getting pushed further out, and it really does feel like I’m never going to get there. I began my new internship this month, which will go through the end of June if I can get all of the required hours in by then. Am I freaking out? Of course. Completely in over my head? Yes. My own inner dialogue often drives me crazy. Some of the other interns are also moms and working and going to school and completing their internship all at the same time. I don’t know how they do it. It makes me feel like I have nothing to complain about. There is no way I’d be able to handle working right now. In fact I quit teaching last year, but I guess if you have to work, you have to work. Some of us don’t have a choice, and I’m lucky that I do (thanks to my awesome hubby).
This has also been a tough year for our daughter. Thank God we have found the right resources to get the help she needs and hope that things will begin to get better soon. I think that it’s helped that I’m a social worker, well almost. But I tell you, it’s never easy to see your own kid suffer and to feel as though nothing you do helps. It has stretched my capacity for patience and compassion and understanding and empathy in new ways. And nothing is more important than family, not even getting a blasted master’s degree. It’s not like it’s a doctorate, right? Some days, it feels really gray inside and out. I try to hang onto the thought that God is much more powerful than I could ever imagine, and it gives me hope. It doesn’t make things in life any easier, but it does give me perspective. It seems like school and everything that comes with it is so darn important when there are deadlines to meet, papers to write, internships to gear up for, and yet, it’s not the most important thing. Getting my kid to the doctor, making sure she’s in a good place, or to dance class or to school on time trumps every single time. I get so caught up in it though because it’s as if the world will end if assignments are not completed and done well and turned in on time. I hate that my last internship did not work out last semester and I have to complete a new one over the summer. It’s more money, more time and more energy that I don’t have, that I’ve used up, that I’ve burned through. I won’t officially graduate until August now. Thankfully, I can walk in May with my classmates at our school’s convocation. But honestly, I’m just ticked and tired.
So, I eat more junk than I should. I drink a lot of coffee, and I pray to get through the chaos. Probably not enough prayer – so easy to be self-reliant. I’m trying to keep my eye focused on getting to the finish line. It’s like taking two steps forward, then two steps back. Wow, I think I’ve just thrown myself a little pity party. Yeah, me. Now, it’s time to suck it up and get back to work. I’m going to enjoy the cool morning while it lasts and pray that everything will get done as it should and when it should. And then I’m going out for ice cream.